2nd Avenue Subway

EXT. 2ND AVENUE BETWEEN 90TH AND 91ST

It’s 2013, and a mother and a son are walking down the street.

PATRICK
When will the second avenue subway be finished?

MARY
I’m not sure.

2097.

PATRICK THE SECOND
When will the second avenue subway be finished?

MARY SENIOR
I’m not sure.

3053.

PATRICK THE THIRD
When will the second avenue subway be finished?

MARY SENIOR THE SECOND
I’m not sure.

End.

Do you have a cell phone charger?

 INT. AN OFFICE

SALLY
Do you have a cell phone charger, Bob?

BOB
Yeah, what phone do you have?

SALLY
4S.

BOB
Oh, I have a 5S.

SALLY
Oh, okay. No problem.

BOB
Ask Susan.

Sally goes downstairs.

SALLY
Do you have a 4S cell phone charger.

SUSAN
Sorry, 5S.

SALLY
Okay, I guess I really need to upgrade my phone......

SUSAN
Yeah, you do. Ask Stephen.

Sally goes back upstairs.

SALLY
Hey, Stephen. Do you have a 4S cell phone charger?

STEPHEN
Hahahahahaaha, you are hilarious. I don’t have a 4s, why don’t I just pick up this rock and talk on it. 4S....hahahaha, that’s a good one.

SALLY
Huh?

Sally goes out and buys a 4S cell phone charger. She comes back in the office and hides it. She is embarrassed.

End.

I Love Her

INT. OFFICE.

Ed is at his cubicle. David walks up.

ED
Hey, David! How’s the weekend looking, my main man?

DAVID
It’s looking pretty good, gonna hangout with my kids, maybe look at some Halloween costumes. You?

ED
I’ll probably take her out.

DAVID
Oh, sounds like fun.

ED
It’s our anniversary and I really want to make it special.

DAVID
How many years have you guys been together?

ED
Coming up on seven.

DAVID
Wow, seven years, that’s really an inspiration!

ED
Thanks, it just takes commitment and love.

DAVID
Yup. How did you guys meet?

ED
It was a glorious, sunny, fall day. I saw her sitting on the corner of 23rd and 8th Avenue. She looked
so beautiful. I knew she was the one for me when I introduced myself and she just hummed with joy!

DAVID
That’s a really cool story.

ED
Yeah, by the end of the week, she was mine. I’ve never been so happy in my life. Ever.

DAVID
Wow, a week! You must have really known she was the one.

ED
Yes, I did. Those headlights.

David is a little confused.

DAVID
I get ya, I like a pair of nice big headlights myself? Well, I should get back to work.

ED
Just one last question: do you think I should get flowers or jewelry?

DAVID
Umm, well what does she like?

ED
Well, she really likes oil, but that can get pricey.

DAVID
What?!?! Oil?

ED
Yeah, she can’t get enough of the stuff.

DAVID
Okay, I really have to get back.

ED
Do you think I should store her Upstate or in Queens this winter?

DAVID
Store her? I’m sorry, I know you’re my boss, but you are extremely misogynistic and I actually feel horrible for your wife.

ED
That’s a little rude.

DAVID
Me, rude? You’re talking about your  wife.

ED
MY WIFE!!! Are you kidding me. I’m never getting married, I’m talking about my Phantom Coupé Rolls-Royce Motor Car.

DAVID
Oh.

ED
It’s the best and longest relationship I’ve every had, and for you to disrespect it, just makes me want to rip your head off.

He forcefully shows him a picture of him and the car with a Christmas tree behind them.

DAVID
I’m sorry I didn’t know.

ED
You know what, just because I don’t have a relationship with a real person doesn’t discredit it! We do everything a normal couple can do. Except baths. Baths can get tricky!

DAVID
I’m sorry.

ED
You know what, you’re fired! Get outta here!

DAVID
I’m sorry.

David leaves sheepishly. Ed picks up the phone, and pretends to dial.

ED
Hey, baby.... yeah you’ll never guess what just happened tonight.

End.

Bus Stops

INT. A BUS

Sandra gets on the bus and sits in between a crying baby and an old man.

OLD MAN
Ughh, my feet boils.......

SANDRA
What?

OLD MAN
Ughh, youths.

The baby starts to cry.

BABY’S MOM
Sorry, she’s teething.

SANDRA
Yup.

BABY’S MOM
The bus is just so much easier.

SANDRA
Yeah, I thought it would be faster than taking the subway.

BUS DRIVER
79th street. Next stop 78th.

SANDRA
Are we literally stopping every block?

BABY’S MOM
Yeah, it’s the new local bus.

One hour later. The Old Man and Baby are both sleeping. Sandra has finished reading her book, “The Stand” by Stephen King.

SANDRA
Where are we?

BABY’S MOM
63rd, I think.

SANDRA
We haven’t even gotten to midtown yet?

BABY’S MOM
The local, huh?

Baby’s mom shrugs.

SANDRA
Oh, boy.

Two hours later. The baby is crying, the Old Man is yelling about Bloomberg.

BABY’S MOM
It’s okay honey. “Twinkle, twinkle.........

OLD MAN
With the taxes that we pay........

BUS DRIVER
50th Street. Next stop 51st.

SANDRA
What?!?!

Sandra goes up to the front of the bus.

BUS DRIVER
Get behind the line.

SANDRA
Sorry, could we just speed this up a bit? Every one is getting a little restless.

BUS DRIVER
Behind the line. This is the local, we stop at every street.

SANDRA
I know, but no one will know if you just skip a few.

BUS DRIVER
Behind the line.

Sandra goes back to her seat. Three hours later. The baby has learned to walk and the Old Man has drafted three letters to City Hall, Sandra has finished “The Corrections” be Jonathan Frazen.

BUS DRIVER (CONT’D)
14th street.

SANDRA
Finally.

BUS DRIVER
Okay folks, I just got a call that there is a bomb on the bus and I need to keep us moving above 50 miles an hour or the bus will explode. Stay calm, we can all get through this.

Everyone is shocked.

SANDRA
What!! Oh my god.

The bus continues to circle around the city, indefinitely.

End.

Dentist Dialogue

Int. A dentist office. Mary is getting her teeth cleaned.

Dr. Freako (it's German)
Well, Mary, let's see what we're working with here.

Inspects her mouth.

Dr. Freako
Looks good, looks real good. So how is your day going? Nice weather we're having don't ya think?

Mary unable to talk, says nothing.

Dr. Freako
Hello, anyone there? Rude, much!!

Mary tries to move her mouth to answer him.

Dr. Freako
Please stop moving, I am doing a very delicate procedure right now.

Mary rolls her eyes.

Dr. Freako
Don't roll your eyes at me honey. I'm trying to help you. Now are you brushing?

Mary nods her head.

Dr. Freako
Wow I thought I'd seen it all, but this!!!! Can you not answer me please. Hello!!!

Mary tries to talk, but really can't.

Dr. Freako
Stop moving!!!

Mary
Ughhhhhhhhh!!!

Dr. Freako
What was that? I can't here you. Articulate.

Mary tries to talk again.

Dr. Freako
What? Stop moving your mouth. I can't understand you!!!

Mary pushes him off, takes the shit out of her mouth.

Mary
You are such a freak!!! I can't talk to you if you're working on my mouth!!! I thought you got that!!! You're supposed to be a dentist!!! Ugghh! Going to the dentist sucks as it is, I shouldn't have to engage in small talk with a lunatic as well.

Mary picks up the mouth water hose thing and starts spraying him.

Dr. Freako
Stop!  Put that down!

Mary starts throwing candy and prizes from the treat box at him.

Mary
Ughjjjjjjjjjjghgggh!!! I'm leaving!

Dr. Freako is alone. T

Pam
Did you try and make the patient talk to you again?

Dr. Freako
Yeah.

End.

he intercom beeps, it's his assistant.

TIM aka TMI

Int. A bar.

It’s happy hour and  it's “Sandy from Work’s” birthday.

Kylie 
(to the bartender)

Can I get a Pinot?

Tim 

Oh, let me get that for you.

Kylie

Oh thanks, how do you know Sandy?

Tim
We went to high school together. She just said that you were all gonna be here tonight, so I thought I would come and hangout. I mean isn't great about all Sandy’s success. Working at NBC and all. I’m still working at the old car wash back in the old neighborhood. I mean, I want to get a better job, it’s not that I don’t. It’s just that with the job market the way it is, and people trying to fight to just maintain the jobs they have it can get really tough out there. But I am definitely looking. I applied for six jobs today. Which is more than yesterday, and I’m really hoping to hear back from someone.

Kylie

Cool. That’s great. I’m just gonna find my husband.  If I could just……

He kind of blocks her from getting a clear path away.

Tim

Oh you’re married, I’m not dating anyone right now. I did go on this date the other day with this woman who was really annoying. She kept eating her spaghetti with a spoon and blowing her nose.  I said: "I am not that desperate, honey." I once dated this girl who, like, actually told me she hated me to my face. I mean I do believe in love, I do. Don’t get me wrong, I really do believe in it and I want to find love it’s just that I’m not sure if my parents really loved me, you know. I mean I want to believe that they did, but my mother was always really distant and was never really great at sharing her feelings. I always wanted her to be more open with me. Like this one time I was in this band festival,I played the flute, an she told me that she was definitely gonna come and see me, and I was looking out into the audience and she was nowhere to be seen. I was looking and looking and I just couldn't find her. I think my issues with women stemmed from that day.

Kylie
Okay. That’s sad. I’m gonna just head over here.

Tim

I’m probably really boring you. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I just wanted you to be my friend. I have never had many friends. I know that I can be and do whatever I want in life and no one is going to stop me.  I am as strong as Hercules, as smart as Einstein and as handsome as Clooney.

He has tears in his eyes.

Kylie (aggravated)

Yup.

End.

Microwave Re-Pause Man

Int.  An apartment
 

Kassie is watching ‘Shame'.  It's a lazy day and she 's not wearing a bra underneath her shirt. There is a knock at the door. She pauses the film.

Kassie
Come on in.

Roy
So you said on the phone that it was your microwave?

Kassie
Yeah, it’s the microwave. It just kinda stopped working.

Roy
Yeah, no problem.  I'll look at it.

 
Roy looks up and gets a glimpse atthe TV. Kerry Mulligan’s breasts are paused.

Kassie
Oh, yeah. I’m just watching a really good movie.  Have you seen it?
 
Roy is uncomfortable.

Roy
Okay, let me just work on this.
 

Roy works in silence. Kassie, remembering that she is not wearing a bra, covers herself.

Three days later.

Kassie is watching ‘American Psycho'’. It’s really hot so she’s wearing short shorts and a bikini top. There is a knock at the door. Kassie pauses the movie. Christian Bale’s naked, bloody body is paused.

Kassie
Hi Roy.
 

Roy

Kassie.
 

Roy notices Kassie’s outfit.

Kassie
It’s a scorcher out there today.

Roy.
Yup.

Roy cannot look directly look at Kassie. He then notices the TV.

Kassie
Oh, Ha! “American Psycho”. I’ve seen this one before but I forgot how good it is.

Roy
Ugghh. So how is the microwave?

Kassie
Working great.

Roy (distracted)
Is that blood?

Kassie
Yeah, this is right after he kills the prostitutes.

Roy
Whatever.

Kassie

Do you like movies?

Roy
No.

He looks at the floor.

Four Days Later.

Kassie is watching ‘Showgirls’. She’s just come out of the shower and is wearing a towel. There is a knock at the door. Kassie pauses the film. The pool scene is paused.

Kassie

Roy, I wasn’t expecting you today. Come in.

Roy is holding flowers, he notices Kassie’s towel.

Kassie
The microwave is great!
 

Roy notices the paused movie. He starts to sweat.

Roy
Will you go out with me?

Kassie

What? No. Roy, I’m married!

Roy

Movies and towels………..

Kassie
Oh, I’m sorry.  I’m talking a film class at NYU: America Raunch 204. It’s a great class but I can only watch the movies in the middle of the day. You must think I’m a total freak.

Roy
Umm……
 

Kassie
Ummm….
 

The movie unpauses and you hear Elizabeth Berkley moaning.