Don't Break My Brain, My Achy Breaky Brain

This past week TMZ revealed a video of Miley Cyrus smoking Salvia (a drug similar to Marijuana but legal in the state of California) at a party Miley was throwing to celebrate her 18th birthday. The video displays a very mind altered Miley inhaling from a bong.

I was outraged, I was betrayed, my heart was breaking. I figured there was only one thing to do: call Doctor Drew.

After, talking to Doctor Drew for an extensive six hours, I explained to him that I was simply a concerned fan of Miley's and just wanted her to get the help she needed. I asked him if she could join the current cast of celebrity rehab. He told me that they were almost done filming and it just wouldn't make sense to have another character (he means patient) join the story arch of the latest episodes (he means therapy sessions). But he did say that she could join the cast next season and that her celebrity status would really bring in ratings.

No Doctor Drew, what to do.................Oprah!

After talking to Oprah for eight hours about my concern for this fallen teen idol, I asked Oprah if Miley could come on the show and sing a song about all the mistakes that she's made in her life, donate some money to charity and give a few thousand high fives. Oprah said that as much as she would love to have Miley on the show it would really be better if the stakes were a bit higher. For example if she could move to a harder drug like horse tranquilizer, get arrested and then skype into the show via a satellite hook-up from prison.

Oh fudge who could help Miss Miley, and then it hit me. Whenever you are in trouble just go to the source of your problem: Lindsey Lohan. Two red heads sure can't make a right, but I figured it was worth a try.

I called Linds, and she was more than happy to help me stage an intervention. She told me all we had to do was get Miley to the Chateau Marmont, bring a carrot, a syringe and a copy of The Secret.

Well long story short, we saved her life. And just in time for Christmas where she will sing Oh Holy Night at her hometown church in Tennessee, after kissing baby Jesus (who will be played by her cousins baby Nigel) while Billy plays back-up on the triangle.

Merry Christmas y'all!