Apartment Hunting

APARTMENT HUNTING

INT. AN OPEN HOUSE-DAY

Kassie and Jack are in an apartment on the Upper East Side talking to a their broker, Pam.

KASSIE
I like this place.

PAM
It gets a lot of light and it really is a great apartment.

KASSIE
Yeah.

JACK
Yeah.

KASSIE
It’s fifteen hundred square feet. It has hardwood floors and molding on the upper and lower floor boards. It also has a big garden space outside.

JACK
How many people do you think you can fit into this apartment?

KASSIE
Yeah, like if we were to, lets say, have a costume party and everyone was wearing costumes. How many people do you think would fit in here?

PAM
I mean, I guess anywhere from twenty to thirty guests comfortably.

KASSIE
Ok, great and what if we want to, like practice a gymnastic routine where we need to have room to dismount off of the couch in the living room onto the bed in the bedroom. Do you think that’s possible?

PAM
What?

KASSIE
You know a gymnastic dismount.

PAM
Are you two athletes?

KASSIE/JACK
No.

PAM
Ok, would you like to see the outdoor area?

KASSIE
Yes, but first do you think that the kitchen would be big enough to trap, de-bone and cook live quail?

PAM
Trap?

JACK
We like to cook and eat a lot of exotic animals and sometimes those little critters can get loose in the apartment.

PAM
Oh, I see.

KASSIE
You know, possums, snakes, eels.

PAM
Right.

JACK.
Yeah, Kassie makes a mean eel, but you know when you’re making it, sometimes the bits of eel get caught in the sink. That’s why we really want to make sure that this place has top notch plumbing because we could really mess up the system for days.

PAM
Ok, well, it was great to meet you guys, and just let me know if you are still interested in a few days.

JACK
It was great meeting you too. Do you live in the building.

PAM
Yes, I live next door.

KASSIE
Yay, neighbors, you can come over for No Cloths, Movie Sundays.

PAM
What?

JACK
Well, on Sundays, we like to walk around naked just to, you know, air everything out and watch horror movies. It’s so fun! I make my famous crack cookies. Come over anytime.

PAM
Crack cookies?

KASSIE/JACK
Cookies with hard rock cocaine.

PAM
Right.

End.