Russel Brand and Katy Perry Break Up. (tear)

EXT. POOL SIDE AT THE BRAND/PERRY ESTATE IN BEVERLY HILLS. RUSSELL IS SITTING IN THE POOL ON A TURTLE FLOATY. KATY IS GETTING A SPRAY TAN.

KATY
Russell you have been in that turtle for the last three days.

RUSSELL
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, it RELAXES ME! Blimey!

KATY
But I need you to help me pick out my costumes, and we set aside this weekend to do that.

RUSSELL
I don’t really give a goat’s ass about your costumes. Wear the one with the ice cream cone nipples, or the one with the sparkly spiral going right up your ass, or the one with the meat, I don’t really care......just don’t disturb me when I’m in the pool.

KATY
I didn’t have the one with meat, that was Lady Gaga! Goddammit, you never listen.

RUSSELL
No Katy, I don’t listen, cause frankly you bore be to tears, no actually you bore me beyond tears, you bore me to the ocular duct reserves were the tears are made. Look the sex has been great and I loved that thing we did in Vegas with Chewie Bravo, the snake and the bottle of orange juice, but this needs to end.

KATY
Russie Bussie......Noooooooooooo! you have defined my career, without you I have no edge, no danger, no personality. I’m just a stupid pop star on the verge of shaving my head. Please Russie Bussie.

RUSSELL
I can’t go on like this. I need to have sex with lots of different people, I’m a sex addict for fuck sake. I need it. Monogamy might work for penguins and old people but it doesn’t work for me. And I’m sorry but you have to accept that. Besides I gave cunnilingus to my Spanish teacher Isabella, the sample lady at Trader Joe’s and your pilates instructor, Beth. I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t, but now you know.

KATY
Yeah, well I had sex with Seth Rogen.

RUSSELL
Rogen! No not again.

KATY
Alright, fine you want a divorce fine. I’m coming off a tour, this should help my record sales to at least. You know the Sandra Bullock sympathy thing.

RUSSELL
I knew you would see it my way Rumplebutt, no worries, I mean we can still shag each other, baby!

Cut to Mike Myers.

MIKE MYERS
For legal reasons I have to inform you that I own the words, shag and baby. Anytime they are used in a sentence I get eighteen cents. So carry on. Who else are you gonna shag, baby? (he winks to the camera).

Cut back to Russell and Katy.

KATY
Fine, whatever, I’m gonna go write a feeling poem which I will then pay someone to turn into a pop song. Be out by the end of the day.

RUSSELL
Will do, but can I take the turtle. I’ve grown very found of the little guy.

Russell gets out of the pool revealing he has inserted himself into the turtle.