Melanie, a Lower East Side hipster who is highly educated but knows nothing, guides a tour.
Okay, so this is a painting.
She point to Rosa Bonheur’s “The Horse Hair”
MELANIE (CONT’D)
It’s really cool. Lots of horses.
PATRON 1
Could you tell us a little about the history of the painting?
MELANIE
Um, yeah, it’s old.
PATRON 2
But could you explain some of the inspiration behind the painting and why Bonheur wanted to paint it in the first place?
MELANIE
Cause he was an artists, duh?
PATRON 3
Okay.
MELANIE
Moving on, let’s get going and see something a little more festive.
The tour group makes their way to Carvaggio’s “The Musicians”.
MELANIE (CONT’D)
So as you can see they’re musicians and they’re all kinda chubby don’t you think?
PATRON 2
Not really, do you know anything about this painting?
MELANIE
Excuse me sir, but I don’t believe that art should be forced upon people. Why do you need to know things about paintings? Why can’t you just enjoy them for what it are? Now, look at the fat little musician.
PATRON 1
They are kinda cute and chubby.
PATRON 2
Can we just move on to something else?
PATRON 3
It looks like this one kinda wants to kiss that one.
MELANIE
Yeah, totally, like maybe they were lovers that were torn apart and had to find their way back to each other through music.
Patron 2 rolls his eyes.
MELANIE (CONT’D)
Okay, fine mister, “I need to know everything about everything”. What do you think about this painting?
She points to El Greco’s “View of Toledo”.
MELANIE (CONT’D)
It’s so dark and creepy. Like a Halloween card.
PATRON 2
A Halloween card, don’t you know anything? This is a beautiful work of art not some pre-school art project.
PATRON 1
Okay, just relax, she’s doing the best that she can. She’s probably not even getting paid for this, at most this is probably an unpaid internship.
MELANIE
Well, I do get forty bucks a week and unlimited coffee and sugar.
PATRON 1
See.
PATRON 2
I’m going to see if there is another tour guide. This is absolutely ridiculous. You know nothing about art.
MELANIE
I do to, I went to NYU for God sake’s.
PATRON 3
Why don’t we just finish the tour.
PATRON 2
No, this is ridiculous! Absolutely ridiculous! This is the Metropolitan Museum of Art, not some weeknight at the YMCA. I want someone who knows what they’re talking about.
MELANIE
Then just leave.
PATRON 2
Fine.
MELANIE
Fine.
Patron 2 leaves. And Patron 3 starts clapping.
PATRON 3
That was awesome, probably one of the best instillation pieces I’ve seen in a long time.
Melanie rolls her eyes.
MELANE
Come on.
She winks at Patron 1
MELANIE
I have some time before my audition to play Honey Boo Boo’s long lost cousin, let’s go get drunk, I know a great place.
PATRON 1
Okay.
End.
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