Canadian Border Patrol

A family in a purple mini-van pull up to the Canadian border. The officer smiles at them. Her name is Candy. She is sweet as pie.

CANDY
Well, hello there folks. Welcome to Canada, how can I help you?

DAD We are coming in from Portland, Oregon.

CANDY
Oh, sure. No problem. I think I need to check your passports, to make sure everything is tick-a-ty boo. Ya know!

MOM (MUMBLES TO THE DAD)
What did she say? “Honey Boo Boo”....... I love that show.

DAD
I don’t know. He hands over all of the passports.

CANDY
Great, thank you. Great pictures! You guys, must have gotten a great photographer, like.

MOM
Yeah, I guess.

CANDY
Ok, we have one American on board. Hello there sir. God Bless you.

HUSBAND
What?

DAUGHTER
We live in New York.

CANDY
Oh, I love New York. I once went to like, a Broadway show there, ya know!

DAD
Are we done here?

CANDY
Oh yeah, I just need to find my stampy thingy. I always lose it.

MOM
Oh, Jesus!

CANDY
Here it is. Now just let me get my sparkle glitter! I have a new hot pink I want to try out!

GRANDMOTHER
Sparkle glitter? Oh for God sakes!

CANDY
Here it is.

Candy stamps all the passports, paints on glue over each of the stamps and begins to sprinkle the sparkle. Candy begins to sing.

CANDY (CONT’D)
Welcome to Canada, I love you! Bippity boppity boo.

MOM
Can we wrap this up?

HUSBAND
This is awesome! Everyone is so nice.

DAD
Thank you miss.

CANDY
Here are your passports, and this is my phone number in case you need anything. I have my cell phone on all day, so if you, like, need anything ,like, just give my a call. Ya know.

DAD
Ok, well we live her so that won’t be necessary.

CANDY
Well, just in case. Welcome to the best country in the world. Candy begins to sign the national anthem and starts dancing in her booth. The family drives off.

DAUGHTER
I need to pee.