Apple Tree

EXT. AN APPLE FARM IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

Joaquin Phoenix is on a ladder picking apples. He is wearing an over sized sun hat.

JOAQUIN
I love apples.

He takes a bite.

JOAQUIN (CONT’D)
I wish that everything could be as simple as an apple. I’m sick of being told what to do and when to do it. To apple or not to apple that is the question.

Bob (in my fantasy played by Bryan Cranston), the owner of the farm enters.

BOB
What ya doing up there, son? This is a private farm, my wife and I need those apples to feed our family.

JOAQUIN
I’m just picking apples, can’t I just do that?

BOB
Of course you can, but you’re gonna need to drive up the street to the public farm.

JOAQUIN
WHY?!!!! Everything just falls apart, doesn’t it? There’s no hope, no love, no life.....all there is, are apples.

BOB
Come on, man! Don’t make me come up there.

JOAQUIN
Stay back.

BOB
I need you to come down and leave my property. Now.

JOAQUIN
Oh, so many rules. Why does this happen? Why are there so many rules and regulations? I thought we were passed all of this?

BOB
We are, I just need those apples.

JOAQUIN
Why, why do you need the apples? (He does the face of 'The Scream'.)

BOB
What are you doing? Is that ‘The Scream’, I love that.

They both do 'The Scream'.

JOAQUIN
I can’t come done, not until my new movie ‘The Master’ opens nation wide September 21st. (He looks in the camera and does a thumbs up).

BOB
Okay, then I’m coming up.

Bob climbs up the tree.

BOB (CONT’D)
Okay, listen, this isn’t just an apple farm. I have a meth lab underneath this tree. I’ve hollowed out the tree and I can go down to the lab via these apples.

Joaquin’s mind is blown.

JOAQUIN
Wow, apples are amazing!

BOB
Now, the DEA is already on my ass, so please, please you need to leave. I don’t need a crazy celebrity drawing attention to my farm. Do you understand me?

JOAQUIN
Totally, maybe I could just live in the tree.

BOB
No, you really have to leave. I mean what’s the deal anyway? You are a successful movie star, you have movies coming out, you’re rich. Why do you want to live in a tree?

JOAQUIN
Because, I want to be scared. I want to feel the art again. Money just green paper, it doesn’t make the heart beat and the blood splatter.

BOB
Right.

JOAQUIN
So please, just let me stay a little longer.

BOB
Okay, but if you take any of my meth, I will kill you.

JOAQUIN
Of course.

Shia LaBeouf is at the bottom of the apple tree.

SHIA
Guys, can I come up. 'Lawless' sucked and I really need some apples and..... some meth.

JOAQUIN
Shia, come up brother.

BOB
Oh, boy!

End.