QUEEN
Nation. Stop clapping. This is not a fun occasion. Nation, we are in a state of emergency. As you may or may not know, there have been some revealing pictures of my adorable grandson Harry and that harlot of a grandaughter-in-law of mine, Kate. Harry, is an innocent boy who was having fun with his friends. I’m sure you all like to go down to the pubs in the East End with Ricky Gervais. So, I shall say to you, YOU MAY NOT JUDGE.
Beat.
However, Kate knew perfectly well what she was doing, she was trying to impregnate herself by prancing around topless. Shame on you Kate! Because of this scandal the House of Windsor is in ruins. We may never recover. As a nation, I ask you to not support this woman, despite her efforts in the Middle East, her winning spirit at the Olympics and her elegance and class, I would like you to remember this picture.
A picture of Kate Middleton’s boobs is projected on to Buckingham Palace, which is extremely blurry because it was taken at a far distance by little rodent paparazzi. The nation gasps.
QUEEN
That’s right take a long hard look. Don’t look away. Look at them.....perky, springing, full of youth and life. Shame, shame, shame. What a Royal scandal. As of now I am banishing this woman. KATE MIDDLETON YOU ARE BANISHED (think Leonardo Decaprio in Baz Luhrmann’s “Romeo and Juliet”).
A guard whispers in her ear.
QUEEN (CONT’D)
Thank you Phillipe. Subjects I must leave you now, “Here comes Honey Boo Boo is on”, and a I must learn how to make that lemonade, therefore, I must leave you. Go forth and God Save the me!
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