Pop Cop

EXT. A MANHATTAN STREET

Billy buys a Fanta orange soda at a deli and proceeds to open it. A cop (in my fantasy, played by Nick Offerman) across the street spots him.

COP 1
Stop where you are.

BILLY
What? I’m not doing anything.

COP 1
Don’t get sassy with me. Now, SLOWLY, give me the soda and put you hands in the air.

BILLY
What, I just won’t drink it. Do we really have to go through this?

COP 1
I don’t make the rules but I do enforce them punk. NOW GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

BILLY
Okay, okay. .... just relax.

COP 1
Relax...... okay I’m gonna need you to back up.

BILLY
What....your insane.

COP 1
Hi, this is Officer Lard reporting into dispatch, I have a soda perp here. Yeah. On the street. I know, I know. And, this guys has the audacity to give me lip. Give me everyone who’s around, six or seven should do it. He might try and flee.

BILLY
I’m not gonna flee. I will just wait to get home to drink the soda.

COP 1
They are banned. The simple fact that you have it, is against the law. Against the law.

BILLY
Wow, I hate this city.

About twelve other officers show up.

COP 2
Do you need help?

COP 1
Yeah, cuff him, and take away the weapon.

COP 2
You got it boss.

COP 1
I don’t have a weapon, you moron.

COP 2
GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!

COP 1
GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

COP 3
I’m gonna clear a perimeter.

BILLY
What, why? I’m not resisting anything.

COP 1
Okay we're gonna take you in. This is gonna be the last time that you try and open a Fanta soda in the street again.

BILLY
Fine, can I call a lawyer?

COP 3
No. Now, get in the car and shut up.

The cops are high-fiving each other.

COP 2
Anyone up for an apple cider?

COP 3
Sure!

COP 2
I will probably get a pumpkin spice latte.

COP 3
YES!!!!! And it has milk in it, so it must be good for you.

COP 2
I might get a hot chocolate, with whip cream, chocolate chips and maybe a donut.

COP 3
Great I will be right back.

Behind the cops there’s an elderly woman getting mugged and harassed.

End.