Keanu Reeves Pitches his Biopic

 INT. A BOARDROOM IN LOS ANGELES.

KEANU
So it would be, like, about me.

EXEC
Yeah.....and.

KEANU
And I would want Sandra Bullock to be in it.

EXEC
Playing your mother, girlfriend.... aunt?

KEANU
Yeah.

EXEC
Yeah, to all three?

KEANU
Yeah, to all three.

EXEC
Okay, would you want it to cover all your movies, or focus more on your personal life.

KEANU
More movies and stuff, like we could show me surfing on the set of “Point Break”.

EXEC
Uh huh....

KEANU
And like maybe we could get the bus from “Speed” and I can like drive it and stuff.

EXEC
But where would you be driving it to....

KEANU
The future. It could be like an excellent adventure.

EXEC
Right. I see what your saying.

KEANU
And then it could get, like, really soft and romantic and there could be, like, a lake house which is really used as a time travel portal.

EXEC
You mean exactly like the plot of your 2006 completely implausible movie “The Lake House”.

KEANU
Yeah, man.....gnarly.

EXEC
Please don’t use gnarly, it makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

KEANU
Okay and then maybe I could get like trapped in an alternative universe and Lawrence Fishburne could be my side kick.

EXEC
No, this is just horrible, I’m pulling the plug on this project

KEANU
Come on man, I can’t compete with the guys today. There are all like “I’m the smartest guy in the room”.... Joel Mchale or the “hottest”....Channing Tatum... or “the strongest”.... Arnold Schwarzenger, and what do I have. I was hot in like the late eighties, early nineties....but come on, I’m dated. I have to make Meryl Streep movies just to get some old ladies to like me. Uggghhh, why me!

Keanu cries out like Stanley Kowalski.

EXEC
Okay, well maybe we can get you a realty show.....Keeping up with Keanu, Kenau and Co. No I got it......Keanu’s World!

KEANU
Can I do my own hair?

EXEC
Absolutely, I’m gonna call Oxygen right now.

KEANU
Okay and can Sandra Bullock be in it.

EXEC
Absolutely.

KEANU
Most excellent dude!

EXEC
Don’t call me dude.

End.