Audience Annoyance

INT. A SMALL THEATER IN THE EAST VILLAGE

A production of William Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” is underway, the theater is small, the bathroom is behind the stage.

 JULIET
O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

ROMEO
Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

An audience member stands up and walks through the scene, like diagonally through the stage towards the bathroom.

JULIET
(aware of the audience member) 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy:
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.

The toilet flushes, audience and actors are frozen and listening to the flushing.

JULIET (CONT’D)
What's Montague? It is nor hand nor foot,
Nor arm nor face, nor any other part

The audience member comes out, does up his fly and walks back through the scene. He sits down.

JULIET (CONT’D)
Belonging to a man. O be some other name!
What's in a name? That which we call a rose

Romantic music starts.

The same audience member gets up runs quickly to the bathroom.

JULIET (CONT’D)
(breaking character) What?

ROMEO
(whispering) Keep going.

Everyone hears the audience member in the bathroom.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

JULIET
By any other word would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,

The audience member comes back out, sweating , walks through the set and sits down.

JULIET (CONT’D)
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Damn Indian food!

He walks back through the scene.

JULIET
Okay, that’s it!

ROMEO
Just keep going.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Urghhghghghghghghghhgghhghghghghghghghghghghhhghghgghh. Fuck yeah, that’s it, oh this is gonna be a big one. Fuck my shit!!!!!

Everyone is silent. The audience member comes out. Everyone is looking at him

AUDIENCE MEMBER (CONT’D)
What? IBS.

He sits back down.

JULIET
That’s it I quit!

ROMEO
Ugghhh!

She curtsey’s awkwardly and leaves the stage.

ROMEO (CONT’D)
Thanks for coming out everyone, show's over.

The lights dim and then the house lights come on. The audience starts clapping and cheering which leads into a standing ovation. This is the best production of “Romeo and Juliet” they’ve ever seen. The actors hear this and come back out and take their bows sheepishly.

End.