INT. A GROCERY STORE
Claire Danes is at the meat counter.
MEAT MAN
What can I get you? Wait, do I know you?
CLAIRE
Yes, I am Claire Danes from the hit T.V show “Homeland”.
MEAT MAN
Oh, I love that show.
CLAIRE
(intensely) I’m having a dinner party and I need some meat.
MEAT MAN
Okay, what do you need, procuitto, salami, capacolla?
CLAIRE
(More intensely) I need some ham!
MEAT MAN
You know, I just cut my last slice about an hour ago. It’s been a really busy day, can you come back tomorrow?
CLAIRE
(her lips start trembling). No, I need ham!
MEAT MAN
Okay, well what about some turkey? Everyone loves turkey.
CLAIRE
(she starts to cry) All I’m asking for is some meat. Why are you lying to me?
Claire’s eyes are bulging and her lips are trembling uncontrollably.
MEAT MAN
Woah, just calm done. Let me check in the back.
Claire takes out her phone and makes a call.
CLAIRE
(Still crying and trembling)Sal, there is no ham.
SAL
Are you sure?
CLAIRE
That’s what he said but I think he’s lying. I really think he’s lying.
SAL
Question him again.
CLAIRE
I will, but I need to have a way of breaking him, do you have anything on him.......
SAL
Last week, I saw him flirting with Mrs. Van de Kamp. Use that, see if he breaks.
CLAIRE
Okay, I just need to get this ham! If this dinner party falls apart I might get sick again, and have to go back to the hospital.
SAL
Don’t worry you’ll get the ham.
CLAIRE
He’s coming back
SAL
Don’t do anything stupid.
CLAIRE
I wont.
MEAT MAN
No, there is nothing in the back.
Claire is hysterically crying, trembling and shaking.
CLAIRE
LIAR!!!! YOU LIE.
SAL
No. I don’t.
CLAIRE
You do, and I know about Mrs. Van de Kamp. I know you have ham and I’m not leaving here until I get some.
SAL
Okay lady, don’t make me call the cops.
CLAIRE
I am the cops, stupid!
SAL
I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
He walks into the back.
CLAIRE
I will get you!!!!
Claire is crying and lying on the floor in the fetal position in the middle of the produce aisle.
End.
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