INT: CALABASAS HOME
Kim Kardashian is sitting across from a lovely young woman named Susie.
KIM
So do you like reality TV?
SUSIE:
Yeah, I watch sometimes. I really like “Top Chef”.
Kim gives her a death glare.
KIM
Okay, cause we have cameras in every room of the house and in the bathrooms. So I hope you’re comfortable being filmed.
SUSIE
Okay.
KIM
Now, where are you originally from?
SUSIE
West Virginia.
KIM
Okay, well you’ll have to sign a non-disclosure agreement which states you will have to give up all your rights to contact anyone from the outside world.
SUSIE
Okay, so not even my parents?
KIM
Especially your parents. Okay, why don’t we go and meet my little
bundle of joy.
SUSIE:
Sure I’d love to.
KIM
Okay, right this way.
Kim brings Susie down a hallway, past a partition, over a small indoor bridge and up to a huge metal door. Kim knocks 17 times. Kim and Susie walk through the door. They are blinded by an extreme light. Susie cannot see anything. Kim gives Susie X-ray glasses in order for her to see thru the light. The glasses however are not that much help and simply allow her to see objects in the distance. She gets closer to a small figure. A tabernacle choir comes out and starts singing hymns.
KIM
This is North!
Kim hands her to Susie. Susie takes off her glasses. Kim dives for the glasses and pushes them back on Susie’s face.
KIM (CONT’D)
No, are you crazy? You want to see the child directly. NEVER!!!!
SUSIE:
But how am I supposed to feed, play and care for the baby.
KIM
Everything you need is in this room. There is a small balcony that has a fully stocked play area. North will be taken outside twenty minutes a day. The walls of the compound are high enough so no one can see in, even if North is outside. So as you see, there is really no reason to take off your glasses
SUSIE:
I’m not sure.....
KIM
Oh, here comes Kanye.
Kanye saunters in.
KANYE
Sup, baby? Kim not North.
He air high fives himself.
KIM
This is Susie, our new babysitter.
SUSIE
Well, nothing is set in stone.
KANYE
Word.
SUSIE:
Word? Don’t you want to also interview me, since I will be taking care of your only child.
KANYE
Chill.
KIM
I think she will be perfect!
KANYE
For sure! Yolo!
SUSIE
Yolo? This is ridiculous. I’m outta here.
Susie takes off her glasses and takes a picture of North.
KIM AND KANYE
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
A group of C.I.A and F.B.I Agents tackle Susie to the ground and take her away.
KIM
I guess it’s back to the drawing board, can’t anyone just have privacy anymore. Oh well, I gotta run. Where filming “Kim and Kourtney Go To the Grocery Store” today, and there’s a nice little story arc for me in this episode. Can’t be late.
KANYE
Word. Now, shake that ass, show me whatcha got.
Kim giggles. They both exit, leaving North alone in the crib. She begins to cry.
End.
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