Vocal Frying

VOCAL FRYING
INT. HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL

A class is underway, the students are diligently listening to the teacher.

PROF. WALKER
Okay, folks. Let’s settle down.

The class settles.

PROF. WALKER (CONT’D)
All right, we are gonna get back to dividends and decimals in a second but first we have a very pressing matter to cover.

The class looks confused.

PROF. WALKER
Now, over the last few weeks there have been many reports that a new way of speaking called “vocal fry”, has been sweeping the nation specific within young, successful people.

TIMMY
Yeah, isn’t that how Kim Kardashian talks?

PROF. WALKER
Yes, they say that it’s common between a 16-35 demographic and many affluent and successful people alter their voices to achieve “vocal fry” in order to gain authority.

SAM
I heard it was really bad for your vocal cords and can have lasting damage.

PROF. WALKER
Yes, but that won’t matter when you can buy yourself a new larynx.

SAM
How are we supposed to learn how to “vocal fry”.

PROF. WALKER
Good question, you will each come up here and recite a passage from “My Fair Lady” in vocal fry. Okay, who’s first?

TIMMY
I will try it.

PROF. WALKER
Great, the passage is on the board

Timmy braces himself and begins.

TIMMY
(attempting to fry)
My aunt died of influenza so they sayyyy.

PROF. WALKER
Lower, more frying.

TIMMY
(restricts his voice even more) My aunt died of influenza so they sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

PROF. WALKER
A little better, but not great.

TIMMY
But I have a 4.0 grade point average.

PROF. WALKER
You disgust me, now who’s next?

SAM
I guess, I will try it, but I would rather just get the notes for the mid term next week.

PROF. WALKER
Mid-termmmmmmmm.

SAM
What?

PROF. WALKER
Now get up here and fry, a hundred thousand dollar signing bonus doesn’t just happen on it’s own.

SAM
Yeah, but this can’t help either.

PROF. WALKER
Silence.

SAM
My aunt died of influenza so they sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

PROF. WALKER
Did you just move to 90210? Less valley, more fry, more fry!!!!

SAM
What’s 90210?

PROF. WALKER
Again!

SAM
This is stupid, I don’t need to know how to vocal fry, I need to now how to do a deal request form.

PROF. WALKER
You’re not going to have to fill out a deal request form, if you don’t have a deal, and you won’t have a deal unless you nail the meeting with your clients. NOW FRY!!!!!

BOB
Let me try.

PROF. WALKER
Fine.

BOB
(frying perfectly) My aunt died of influenza so they sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

PROF. WALKER
PERFECTION!!!!! At lease one of you will be successful.

BOB
Does this mean I can pass the class even though I am currently failing?

PROF. WLAKER
Totallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

BOB
I knew Harvard business school was gonna be a breeze!

The rest of the class are confused and angry. Bob  and the Prof. Walker are excited and talking selfies.

End.